Perfection Problems

I told myself I would write a post before April ends -- then the night of May 1st. But I guess the morning of the 6th works just as well. In a way, I'm kind of glad I stalled -- I like long, infrequent posts, and if I had posted then then I would have waited some time before posting what happened recently.

One, I hate my teachers. All of them think I'm "following" Z, which is silly, because, I'm the brain behind everything she does -- she copies everything I do, even when she wasn't talking to me I had that power over her. And they say, too, that she's manipulating the class, which is extremely stupid, because she's not smart enough for that and once again, does nothing on her own.

Z also thought that S was going to ask her out again, (he laughed so hard at this), and then lied to a classmate saying that she was staying after school because he said that he wanted to tell her something (also, laughed at this).

I've had lots of dreams, too. There was one in the car where I was half asleep and I checked my phone and saw a message from S saying how he loved to talk to me, then another with S and I in a field about to kiss and my brother popped up from nowhere. There were lots others, too. .

Funny thing about S, is that he triggered me once, I think, recently. I say I think because I never really understood what triggering actually is. But, a few days ago he called me a "standard babe" to which I felt like cutting my hips and wrists and ankles because all I could think was, no, I'm not one at all, I'm horrible and disgusting!

I don't even know what I want to look like anymore, because all I want to be is perfect, but there are people  bigger than me that I think are perfect, then people much smaller than me that I still think are perfect, and all I want to be is perfect, and I'm not even sure that if I ever get skinny I will attain that.

I know it's not real, but there has to be some kind of perfection in my mind.

Another example of perfection is when I made out with S in my dad's car, early morning on May 4th. He came around 2AM and left at about 4AM. We talked for an hour, and made out / cuddled for another. I was practically vibrating when he left.

I'm sure he got caught though, and both the session in the car and what could happen has been on my mind since. Practically the only thing on my mind.

Funny enough, today (yesterday) at Teen Church I was getting screened for a work group, and I was asked if I had troubles in fornication, and oral sex, which is really a yes but I said no. I had to. I have kept up the perfect girl reputation at my church, and I knew the workers would look at me differently.

In fact, I didn't even know I lied till a few moments after I did.

I'm Overweight

I'm certain that my current weight is now higher than my unidentified highest weight. It's crazy. I've gained ten pounds since February, when I weighed at a hospital. I want to kill myself. Now I'm overweight. It's a much needed wake up call. I'm going to stop binging, purge more, and starve more.

In relation to the Boston Bombing, I'm not really shocked. I'm always wondering why it doesn't happen more often that it does. I'm not saying I want things like this to happen, I just look around and think, wow, so nobody here has the intention of killing? 

I take everyday we don't go without these as a blessing. You're never safe. My paranoia has taught me one thing, at least.

Also, I'm not impressed by the concern. There was concern for the Newtown & Colorado shooting, but that quickly did out, like the fad it was. It bothers me that people never 'care' for long, and then shout at me for not caring at all. In the end, we all end up in the same place.

I also deactivated my tumblr and came back under a new username. I follow S on there and he follows me, and I think what I say bothers him. He's even started writing sub text posts. Whatever. He also thinks I'm arrogant or something, and that I'm angry because we talked the whole of Easter break and suddenly he stopped. I'm not angry. It was to be expected and just because you're not talking doesn't mean anything. At all. Not to me.

 I got really pissed. I don't know why. I'm pissed at everyone. I start school Today, and I really want to talk to him so that I can get closer and try to mess with his mind. As for Z, she's talking to me more and I hate it. She should go hide in  a corner. It's probably because I'm not talking to S often and she's let go of me dating him thing. Nah, she shouldn't get too comfortable. Because I'm going to fuck with everyone this term. 

Another thing is that I've been really close to crying but haven't. I almost had a breakdown in class during our extra lessons last week. Seriously. I haven't cried since Feb. 21st. I really don't want to cry, although it will make me feel better a bit, it will also make me feel more pathetic.

I really want to run away. It's been on my mind 24/7, but I can't even get out of the estate alone. I want to go. I want to leave.

Fearful Ways.

Let me be the first to comment on my hatred of fear. It wraps you up in a blanket and never let's you go; fear is the reason I haven't posted on here in more than a month. Fear, or as the doctors call it, paranoia is what keeps me from becoming close friends with anybody, what keeps me from telling secrets and what causes my wall to be bullet proof and indestructible. Fear.

God, I'm scared of so many things it scares me. My paranoia rules my life and I never really noticed until a few weeks ago, when I finally faced the fact that I did not hate relationships, nor do I really hate people, but I'm scared of them. After this I finally confessed to myself how much more I was fearful of.

 One thing was how scared I am of someone, everyone, finding this blog and all my anon accounts, it scares me so much every time I want to make a post on here or tumblr or twitter, it scares me enough to just want to deactivate everything and hide out in a ball and let my thoughts consume me. Without all these outlets, I'd literally be dead.

Shut Up

This blog was originally meant to be some kind of ED blog, but I haven't been talking about such much, and I don't know, I don't think I have an ED, which makes me feel gross, inside and out, because then, the whole thing would have been just a phase.

There's a voice that constantly nags me about how fat I am, but other than that, I've been eating. Way. Too. Much. Not even binging, just eating too much. Well, technically, I've been eating a 'right amount' by Health Class standards, but in my opinion I've been eating way too much.

In addition to that, I've been getting bouts of Mark's voice (Mark is what I call the voice in my head), telling me not to eat and such. The last time I really heard him, I was binging and then he said, "Why are you eating? You're always eating. You never listen to me. Why do I even try? If you wanted to be skinny you would do what I say. I give up!"

It makes me feel horrible that a figment of my imagination "gave up" on me.

In other news, I'm nearing one month cut free, but it's driving me crazy. I can't tell anyone about my problems and cutting was the only thing that kept me from going over the edge. I feel like I'm walking in a daze, but I also like it in a way, because this feeling is much more self-destructive than cutting or burning or punching ever was.

Also, I had another dream about S, just last night. That's three now. What on earth?

Blame Society

We all want to blame this epidemic on someone, something. This epidemic of eating disorders and depression, who's fault is it? And all fingers point to society. With the thin. but curvy females and just-right muscled men we constantly see on TV with those smiles always on their faces, even if they don't say it, they bring out the message, "You have to look like me to be happy."

So then we blame them. For a lot of things. Society killed the teenager, they say. And on the topic of eating disorders, there seems to be a popular gif on tumblr, that says, "Society, what have you done?" But please tell me, of the percentage of people that feels the need to be skinny, that sees those smiles plastered across faces, isn't it a relatively small but sadly growing percentage of people that have eating disorders?

Have you ever stepped out and tried to look at this from the Outside's point of view? I do, all the time, and I understand why there are such stigmas around eating disorders. Lately, whenever I throw away food I feel extremely guilty, because it's such a waste. They look at us and see us being obsessed with the numbers on the scale and the image in the mirror and look at all the dedication we have just to be skinny, they think, and even if they realize it's for control they look at us because we must look like some selfish, power hungry fools.

Can you imagine, if all this energy you put into this into this order, you put into something like Cancer research? Exactly.

But on a more personal stuff, I've been thinking about S a lot, and it bothers me. I don't like him, but I can't stop thinking about him, and like I said, I really want him to like me just to piss Z off. (By the way, she doesn't talk to me much about him anymore, mostly our friend F because I'm sure she thinks we're friends with benefits. It's good for her, let her think what she wants.)

New Lives

Does anyone here have a MyFitnessPal? I do, although I haven't logged in ages due to my non-stop binging.  There are tonnes of nice people on there (although there are some really annoying ones too, they're everywhere eh?). A few weeks ago I deleted practically all my friends, including the ones that I talked to a lot, because I just got bored.

I mean, a lot of people always like to stay in one particular place with a particular group of people that they want to be with till the end of time, which is silly, because things are bound to change; as for me? I like to switch schools, friends, etc often because I like the idea of starting a new life, even though I know you can't ever really leave the past behind.

I'm not exactly sure what my personality is; every time I do this I always change. It's sad and addicting, because with this brings attention, the very thing I thrive on.

At first a few people messaged me, more than I thought would, asking, Why? But what was I supposed to say,  I enjoy the attention? That doesn't go over well with most people. So I made up a little sob story, came flowing out of my fingers, just like that.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Another Dream

A Year Eleven, S, is dating Z (the letters may be getting confusing, but fee fi fo fum) and they've had an on and off relationship since October, they fight way too much in my opinion, and Z is always complaining and wailing about him talking to other girls and everything, which is really irritating, but at the same time I like it, because it feels good to know that I get all the gossip firsthand and immediately.

Either way, it's been annoying me. Just a little. 

Last term I talked about doing stupid shit with S (while he was dating Z, shhh) and earlier before that, I had a  dream about him, aha, which was really stupid because I don't like him (I know when I don't like someone, it's either all or nothing for me, and this is most definitely nothing) but whatever. I actually told him though because it bothered me at the time.

And then, a few days ago, I had another dream about him.

More like a series of dreams to be honest.

I can't even remember them, which really sucks. I want to at least know what happened in it aha.

At this time Z and S were off, but today, yes today, they broke up again. And then S came to talk to me and said how Z and I are fucked up, because he found out about her other boyfriends, and I was the one that 'introduced' this thing to her, and I got really angry and said that he should stop associating me with her, that why does everybody do that, that I don't like her and that neither he nor she knows anything about me (which is silly, because, I found out that he found my tumblr). 

Whoops.

I can't blame anybody for doing that, associating me with her, and saying we're best friends, but it still makes my skin crawl, which is hilarious. And I'm getting really annoyed with her and I'm getting to the point where I'm about to do things I probably shouldn't. 

Yesterday everyone said I was mean, yeah no shit sherlock.

Follower Dreams

I am a leader, not a follower. I despise being labelled as second, and that's exactly what's happening now. My 'best friend' -- I don't like her at all, but let's call her Z -- and I are two very loud people. When I first came to my current school, I was not shy at all, and made sure my presence was known, but as I stayed longer in the school I became louder (people weren't noticing me as much as I'd like them to).

Anyways, Z is a loud girl too. So we hang out  a lot, and she's, as far as I'm concerned, my handbag. But people see me as the handbag, why? An idea just came to mind that maybe it's because she's been at my school for longer and people already know her as the loud one, but I can tell you now that I'm not an imitator. 

This is annoying. In Year Eight, a Year Eleven laughed that Z was the 'ring leader', but it's not true, and today my French Teacher and everyone agreed that Z was louder than me. Z tells me all the time that I'm too loud, which I take pride in, because she might be thin, but she will never take my voice.

Why?

I keep on making excuses.

It's because she's prettier.

It's because she's thinner.

It's because she's been here longer.

But what if it's true, and what if all I am is a handbag? This is one of the few I have left, my loudness, my leadership, you can't take that away from me.

See Ya Later

Here's to the crying late at night,

To the foolish parents,

To smelling glue,

To the continuous cuts.

Here's to happiness that I'm afraid of,

Here's to help I don't deserve,

Here's to non-existent friends,

Here's to me not fighting,

Because I do nothing but beat the air.

I'll be back within 30 days, preferably less, I want to get away from my family because they are the weights holding me back. My grant is on its way, and I'm hopping off this fat train once it arrives.

“It is of no use,” says the Preacher, “It is all for nothing!” 
 Ecclesiastes 12:8

Going 'Home'.

I'm going to a boarding school America from 9th to 12th grade. It's official.

You know what that means?

Restriction.

I started a devotion on cutting.

Day One. [12.22.2012]

"People have been cutting themselves for various reasons for a long time. We even have record of it in the Old Testament. Often times, the pain caused by the cutting is used to mask some other, often greater pain they are experiencing. Cutting is the fruit of a problem stemming from a deeper issue in the root. Today, begin to open yourself up to God, that he would bring you relief from all of the pain in your life - physical and emotional."

It's so hard to remember though. It really is.

Mental Breakdown

I can't deal. So many things have happened in such a small period of time and most happens in my head.

I've had so many weird dreams latlely. A couple nights ago I dreamt that some eighth grade boys sexually harrased me, and I can't remember what I dreamt of actually, but it was so freaky. They weren't nightmares though. I'd rather have nightmares than dreams like these.

The other day, my 'friend' Skylar (I don't really like her to be honest) posted a picture and then her boyfriend, who is ugly and annoying and comments on every damn post, ones that she posts on others wall, or things having nothing to do with him.

I'm just saying it annoys me. And then Leo, a boy I went to school with in 6th grade, totally agreed with me. Ricardo (the boyfriend) was really stupid about it, and said he wasn't asking for help in his relationship. Hell? I wasn't giving help. I was just saying that it annoys me. He said 'nobody asked.' I mean, the hell? Fourth grade much?

Anyways, in short everyone was being basic and I deleted Skylar, and blocked Ricardo. While I was at it, I deleted everyone I talked to in person, because I hate everyone. I kept people I don't talk to, ironic much? I don't like them, but I don't pretend to anyways. If that makes sense.

Also, yesterday I looked in the mirror and screamed. I mean, flat-out screamed. Mind you, I was never under an illusion that I was pretty. But what I say was an empty mummy, and I'm not joking. I looked dead and evil.

I am dead and evil.

After then, I ran to get my blade but it was too blunt. I turned to matchsticks but I felt nothing. I hit myself and I could hear the impact of my blows but I couldn't feel. I sat down and started crying, and walked around the house with puffy eyes.

Did anyone care?

No.

Emily Anonymous, believe me they don't. I've tried flaunting it in their faces but they simply disregard what I say.

Green Paper

I want to start saving up for spending in the USA. How to do that though? I have roughly 70 dollars because of the surveys I take, but that's about it. I've heard you can make a lot from blogs, twitter, etc. though.

But you need to have followers. Traffic, whatever. And they need to click ads. Ads are ugly. Gosh, but still. First things first, no one is listening.

No one is reading this.

This place is my City of Refuge, I started unintentionally killing myself, and I do not care anymore. I have come to flee, set aside a special place where my innermost thoughts can be expressed. I wish someone could hear me though. No one can hear my cries in real life, no one can hear it here, what will happen when I finally jump off a cliff?

I don't know. 

My Lost Control

Gosh, ever since my parents partially found out about this, they have been hounding me with food. And when people hound me with food, even when they're not there, I will eat! Gosh, this whole cycle is annoying and I need to break it.

I miss fasting terribly. I've lost all control! I've gained all the inches I've lost, what if I hadn't measured correctly in the first place? God. I can't even. I need a scale, so badly. In my spare time I drool over scales on the internet. And diet foods, does anybody else do this?

I feel like if I'm not in control of what I eat, I'm not in control of anything. I need to be in control. I need to feel strong once again.

Someone tell me I'm not alone.

Remember Kony?

Last night I turned on the news, and all this commotion was on about these grade school kids had been killed. Then I go on to facebook and twitter, and then I see trends such as #PrayForCT, #PrayForNewton, with people in bloody England participating as if it was their country, and then on facebook people are fucking writing paragraphs, none of them being from Connecticut or knowing anyone from there.

Yes, I know I'm rambling, but point is, how long is this going to fucking last. 

Why is that when shit like this happens in America, everyone makes a big deal out of it, but in any other fucking country, America is there eating their cheeseburgers and shit? Why is that everyone feels the fucking need to participate in stuff like this, just to feed their own ego, and then let it go?

Do you fucking remember Kony, when everyone was an activist for a week.

Or Amanda Todd, where everyone was anti-bullying protestant for a week.

Or fucking Aurora, surely the people that lost dear ones are happy now? Or have we done our part by giving them trends for a day? I don't even know. The World is full of bullshit.

When  saw it, I laughed. I won't lie. I laughed. God was calling the little kids, and yes those who were close to them will be affected, but let's not lie -- those people that tweeted that shit, when was the last time they went to Church? 

Yes, I'm messed up. I laughed at death. 

Kiss & Don't Tell.

I don't know why but I just thought of what happened on Tuesday. It was the last day of school. I was like the second person in my grade that was there -- there are only 5 people in the whole of my school's freshman year, mind you. So it was me, Funmi (foo-me) and Joseph right? And I'm pretty sure Funmi and Joseph like each other but are trying not to.

Anyways, so they were I'm going to say flirting throughout the day -- well, it wasn't really flirting. You know those extremely cheesy romantic comedy where the two leads hate each other and are always play-fighting and in the end, end up falling in love with each other. That is the only way to explain it. That's exactly how they were acting.

This really annoying sophomore walks in (he always does that, he's that fucking annoying) our class and goes over to Joseph, right? And I don't know what he did but Joseph said, "Emmanuel I don't like that kind of play." And fucking jokingly, I said, "Gay play" without even knowing what he did. I mean, it was just the first thing that popped into my head and then out of the mouth.

Then out of the blue, Emmanuel throws his shoe at me and if fucking scuffs my white uniform shirt. Plus, it hurt. Just a little, but still. I was pissed. Like, fucking pissed. I pounced on him. Used my fat ass to drag him to the floor. Joseph went to call the junior, Seun (shay-oon) (but in reality he'd be considered a senior because my school stops at Year 11) because it was apparently that funny.

The moment Seun walks in, he drags me so that we're like spooning standing up and facing front? I don't even know how to explain it. And asks, "Babe what's going on?"

Pause.

There are two girls missing, right? They both like Seun and it's so obvious. One is Zimaye, and everyone thinks we're best friends but I really don't like her, and then Dami which I and everyone openly hates. Zimaye is dating Seun. She's so annoying about it. Like, if he talks to her she complains that he's too clingy. And if he doesn't she complains that he's a horrible boyfriend. Earlier in the relationship, she cheated, a lot. She might still cheat now. I don't know.

Play.

I'm laughing my head off in my mind, and I'm sure Funmi was too. I told him what happened, blah blah blah, and he told Emmanuel off. I still fought him (Emmanuel) though, and my panties were showing. Seun made sure to point it out and kept on looking, and I told him I didn't care.

So in the end, we chased Emmanuel out, and we played truth or dare right? I told Funmi to kiss Seun. They did. Joseph told Seun to squeeze my boob. He did. We asked if Joseph liked Funmi. He blushed. When it was my turn, everyone had left so it was just me and Seun. So I said, "Dare me."

And he didn't say a word, he just took be behind the bookshelf and started making out. I don't even like making out. I don't like him and I don't hate Zimaye. I think it's hilarious though, you guys don't even understand. I'm such a horrible 'friend'. I'm a horrible person. I'm not telling Zimaye. She'll freak and I don't have the strength to deal with that shite.. Gosh, I don't even care about anything.

I'm such a bitch and that doesn't bother me.

Have Faith

Have you ever had so much faith that something would happen? And it's not like you were, okay, this will happen, while doing absolutely nothing, you put every bloody effort you can put and it just doesn't fucking happen?

I'm having that nagging feeling in the back of my head saying that all this hard work, blood and sweat, will amount to nothing. Which is obviously not true. Must be the devil. I mean, I've spread myself thin preparing for this, there's no way it won't happen, because I have put all my hard work in it.

I'm going to America. I'm going to America. I'm studying in Sandy Spring Friends School. I'm studying in Sandy Spring Friends School. I'm graduating from Phillips Andover. I'm graduating from Phillips Andover. My pastor says when believing God for a miracle, to not stop confessing.

But when I say, I'm working so hard for this, you must understand that I really am. I keep telling everyone that I'm going to Sandy Spring and they laugh. Screw them.

"Is She Eating?"

Of course she's eating. Of course she eats in the middle of the night, when people are sleeping. Of course she cuts and tries to purge but almost never does, of course she's restricting in the day, of course she's still fat.

I hate it when my parents ask that question, because I am eating. Really, I am. Funniest thing is that to my peers I probably eat too much, because I'm one big fat size 10. Maybe even 12. But I don't eat in front of people, not anymore. I didn't even notice when it started.