Perfection Problems

I told myself I would write a post before April ends -- then the night of May 1st. But I guess the morning of the 6th works just as well. In a way, I'm kind of glad I stalled -- I like long, infrequent posts, and if I had posted then then I would have waited some time before posting what happened recently.

One, I hate my teachers. All of them think I'm "following" Z, which is silly, because, I'm the brain behind everything she does -- she copies everything I do, even when she wasn't talking to me I had that power over her. And they say, too, that she's manipulating the class, which is extremely stupid, because she's not smart enough for that and once again, does nothing on her own.

Z also thought that S was going to ask her out again, (he laughed so hard at this), and then lied to a classmate saying that she was staying after school because he said that he wanted to tell her something (also, laughed at this).

I've had lots of dreams, too. There was one in the car where I was half asleep and I checked my phone and saw a message from S saying how he loved to talk to me, then another with S and I in a field about to kiss and my brother popped up from nowhere. There were lots others, too. .

Funny thing about S, is that he triggered me once, I think, recently. I say I think because I never really understood what triggering actually is. But, a few days ago he called me a "standard babe" to which I felt like cutting my hips and wrists and ankles because all I could think was, no, I'm not one at all, I'm horrible and disgusting!

I don't even know what I want to look like anymore, because all I want to be is perfect, but there are people  bigger than me that I think are perfect, then people much smaller than me that I still think are perfect, and all I want to be is perfect, and I'm not even sure that if I ever get skinny I will attain that.

I know it's not real, but there has to be some kind of perfection in my mind.

Another example of perfection is when I made out with S in my dad's car, early morning on May 4th. He came around 2AM and left at about 4AM. We talked for an hour, and made out / cuddled for another. I was practically vibrating when he left.

I'm sure he got caught though, and both the session in the car and what could happen has been on my mind since. Practically the only thing on my mind.

Funny enough, today (yesterday) at Teen Church I was getting screened for a work group, and I was asked if I had troubles in fornication, and oral sex, which is really a yes but I said no. I had to. I have kept up the perfect girl reputation at my church, and I knew the workers would look at me differently.

In fact, I didn't even know I lied till a few moments after I did.

Fearful Ways.

Let me be the first to comment on my hatred of fear. It wraps you up in a blanket and never let's you go; fear is the reason I haven't posted on here in more than a month. Fear, or as the doctors call it, paranoia is what keeps me from becoming close friends with anybody, what keeps me from telling secrets and what causes my wall to be bullet proof and indestructible. Fear.

God, I'm scared of so many things it scares me. My paranoia rules my life and I never really noticed until a few weeks ago, when I finally faced the fact that I did not hate relationships, nor do I really hate people, but I'm scared of them. After this I finally confessed to myself how much more I was fearful of.

 One thing was how scared I am of someone, everyone, finding this blog and all my anon accounts, it scares me so much every time I want to make a post on here or tumblr or twitter, it scares me enough to just want to deactivate everything and hide out in a ball and let my thoughts consume me. Without all these outlets, I'd literally be dead.

Hey Mama

Hey Mom, guess what?

Fuck you.

Let me tell you something about my mother. She's an annoying ass rat and I'm probably going to go to hell for saying this, but I don't know, I don't care. I hate her guts.

Okay, so my mom gets angry when I don't clean the dining. Okay, no biggie, moms do that. Then she shouts and insults me for hours on end. I get pissed, but keep my insults in my head. Whatever, okay? It's not like I'm the only one it's happened to. Then she slaps me and gets a belt or whatever, "discipline" right? And okay, fine, once in a while great, teach me a fucking lesson. But that's all you know how to do, fucking shout and insult and beat and that's it. Then you do it some more when I say I hate you.

Great parenting you got there. And you wonder, 'What's wrong with you?'
Just so happens to be everything. I'd like to blame you because I'd like to blame someone, but God knows it's all me. Doesn't stop me from hating, though.

Because you know what mom, you can say, that even with my 3.8 GPA that I'm stupid, but please realize that I must have gotten that stupidity gene from someone, you or dad. Settle it amongsts yourselves please. And you know, I recently got an email concerning the final stages of my scholarship money, and it was sent to my dad & her. My dad couldn't view it on his Blackberry, but my mom was on her laptop and refused to open her email while frowning.

About that email though, apparently I didn't even get it, which means I am a failure. I was so certain about it, even. So I cut and cut again for yesterday, at Z's get together for her birthday. I ate too much. Less than most people, but too much.

I wanted to clean it up but got distracted, so my mom saw some blood and my scarred wrists. They're only scarred, I stopped cutting there a while ago, so I told her I must have fallen. But she said no, that they were too straight and only on my right hand, so it must be a razor. I said no, but apparently she'll ask anyone if they have a cut tomorrow morning, which I say she'll forget.

Anonymous Messages

I never thought one senior could cause so much trouble. S, who I'm beginning to mention more than my own name, knows my tumblr. Well, I knew that a long time ago, I just never thought he paid attention to my messed up posts; guess what? He did.

So a few weeks ago he comes into my class and I'm on my Galaxy Tab as always, and in the middle of talking to someone he just looks at me and asks if I'm on tumblr. D (this really annoying girl that everyone hates and obviously has the hots for Seun) says with her ridiculous voice, "Yeah, I am." But he took her no regard, which I thought was funny and said, "I'm not talking to you." He then asked me directly if I was on tumblr.

I said no ('cause I wasn't, truly), but my heart was in my throat because if he mentioned tumblr in front of everyone, well.  . .

He ended up doing it a few days anyways. Once again, he was in my class, and while doing something on my tablet I suddenly asked F, the girl on front of me, "What does it feel like to die?" And I probably shouldn't have, because then he comes and says, "Tosin, do you want to die?" almost laughing.

And then I laughed too, because it's what I do and say no, but then he turns to the whole class in general and says, "You know this chick is suicidal right? She posts all this fucked up stuff on her tumblr, what is it again? 'tosinwashere'," he said, but my face, still smiling shook negatively. He guessed a little but then he obviously didn't know how to pronounce my URL so he left it, and D came in again saying yeah she had gone to my tumblr and it was 'scary'.

I cut in school for the first time that day. Because their reaction was too nonchalant.

Z noticed it after school, but didn't really say anything except, 'You cut,' and 'That's where the blood was from.' after which she went home.

Urgh, then he came again, and we started talking, and I kept on hiding my twitter everytime he looked my way, which he got upset about saying that he thought we were cool and I sighed and said that that doesn't mean I can't have my secrets.

He talked a lot about me & my suicidalness, but then he talked about Z, saying that he doesn't like her but he wants her back, that both her and her sister behave like sluts sometimes, and how stupid she was and some other stuff (and really, I agree with him). At the end, he said he didn't want her anymore, which made me happy.

This post is awfully long, but fe fi fo fum.

I told her part of what happened and left out a part which, after phrasing it, made it seem like S and I have something Top Secret going on, like FWB or something, I don't even know. It wasn't on purpose, I don't think.

Later that day; I got an anonymous message telling me to love myself and shit, but I don't even understand. He seems to not care, and then care at the same time, and now I want him to like me because then he won't like Z, and nobody's ever liked me before, I don't think.

Another Dream

A Year Eleven, S, is dating Z (the letters may be getting confusing, but fee fi fo fum) and they've had an on and off relationship since October, they fight way too much in my opinion, and Z is always complaining and wailing about him talking to other girls and everything, which is really irritating, but at the same time I like it, because it feels good to know that I get all the gossip firsthand and immediately.

Either way, it's been annoying me. Just a little. 

Last term I talked about doing stupid shit with S (while he was dating Z, shhh) and earlier before that, I had a  dream about him, aha, which was really stupid because I don't like him (I know when I don't like someone, it's either all or nothing for me, and this is most definitely nothing) but whatever. I actually told him though because it bothered me at the time.

And then, a few days ago, I had another dream about him.

More like a series of dreams to be honest.

I can't even remember them, which really sucks. I want to at least know what happened in it aha.

At this time Z and S were off, but today, yes today, they broke up again. And then S came to talk to me and said how Z and I are fucked up, because he found out about her other boyfriends, and I was the one that 'introduced' this thing to her, and I got really angry and said that he should stop associating me with her, that why does everybody do that, that I don't like her and that neither he nor she knows anything about me (which is silly, because, I found out that he found my tumblr). 

Whoops.

I can't blame anybody for doing that, associating me with her, and saying we're best friends, but it still makes my skin crawl, which is hilarious. And I'm getting really annoyed with her and I'm getting to the point where I'm about to do things I probably shouldn't. 

Yesterday everyone said I was mean, yeah no shit sherlock.

Follower Dreams

I am a leader, not a follower. I despise being labelled as second, and that's exactly what's happening now. My 'best friend' -- I don't like her at all, but let's call her Z -- and I are two very loud people. When I first came to my current school, I was not shy at all, and made sure my presence was known, but as I stayed longer in the school I became louder (people weren't noticing me as much as I'd like them to).

Anyways, Z is a loud girl too. So we hang out  a lot, and she's, as far as I'm concerned, my handbag. But people see me as the handbag, why? An idea just came to mind that maybe it's because she's been at my school for longer and people already know her as the loud one, but I can tell you now that I'm not an imitator. 

This is annoying. In Year Eight, a Year Eleven laughed that Z was the 'ring leader', but it's not true, and today my French Teacher and everyone agreed that Z was louder than me. Z tells me all the time that I'm too loud, which I take pride in, because she might be thin, but she will never take my voice.

Why?

I keep on making excuses.

It's because she's prettier.

It's because she's thinner.

It's because she's been here longer.

But what if it's true, and what if all I am is a handbag? This is one of the few I have left, my loudness, my leadership, you can't take that away from me.

See Ya Later

Here's to the crying late at night,

To the foolish parents,

To smelling glue,

To the continuous cuts.

Here's to happiness that I'm afraid of,

Here's to help I don't deserve,

Here's to non-existent friends,

Here's to me not fighting,

Because I do nothing but beat the air.

I'll be back within 30 days, preferably less, I want to get away from my family because they are the weights holding me back. My grant is on its way, and I'm hopping off this fat train once it arrives.

“It is of no use,” says the Preacher, “It is all for nothing!” 
 Ecclesiastes 12:8

Going 'Home'.

I'm going to a boarding school America from 9th to 12th grade. It's official.

You know what that means?

Restriction.

I started a devotion on cutting.

Day One. [12.22.2012]

"People have been cutting themselves for various reasons for a long time. We even have record of it in the Old Testament. Often times, the pain caused by the cutting is used to mask some other, often greater pain they are experiencing. Cutting is the fruit of a problem stemming from a deeper issue in the root. Today, begin to open yourself up to God, that he would bring you relief from all of the pain in your life - physical and emotional."

It's so hard to remember though. It really is.

Mental Breakdown

I can't deal. So many things have happened in such a small period of time and most happens in my head.

I've had so many weird dreams latlely. A couple nights ago I dreamt that some eighth grade boys sexually harrased me, and I can't remember what I dreamt of actually, but it was so freaky. They weren't nightmares though. I'd rather have nightmares than dreams like these.

The other day, my 'friend' Skylar (I don't really like her to be honest) posted a picture and then her boyfriend, who is ugly and annoying and comments on every damn post, ones that she posts on others wall, or things having nothing to do with him.

I'm just saying it annoys me. And then Leo, a boy I went to school with in 6th grade, totally agreed with me. Ricardo (the boyfriend) was really stupid about it, and said he wasn't asking for help in his relationship. Hell? I wasn't giving help. I was just saying that it annoys me. He said 'nobody asked.' I mean, the hell? Fourth grade much?

Anyways, in short everyone was being basic and I deleted Skylar, and blocked Ricardo. While I was at it, I deleted everyone I talked to in person, because I hate everyone. I kept people I don't talk to, ironic much? I don't like them, but I don't pretend to anyways. If that makes sense.

Also, yesterday I looked in the mirror and screamed. I mean, flat-out screamed. Mind you, I was never under an illusion that I was pretty. But what I say was an empty mummy, and I'm not joking. I looked dead and evil.

I am dead and evil.

After then, I ran to get my blade but it was too blunt. I turned to matchsticks but I felt nothing. I hit myself and I could hear the impact of my blows but I couldn't feel. I sat down and started crying, and walked around the house with puffy eyes.

Did anyone care?

No.

Emily Anonymous, believe me they don't. I've tried flaunting it in their faces but they simply disregard what I say.

Green Paper

I want to start saving up for spending in the USA. How to do that though? I have roughly 70 dollars because of the surveys I take, but that's about it. I've heard you can make a lot from blogs, twitter, etc. though.

But you need to have followers. Traffic, whatever. And they need to click ads. Ads are ugly. Gosh, but still. First things first, no one is listening.

No one is reading this.

This place is my City of Refuge, I started unintentionally killing myself, and I do not care anymore. I have come to flee, set aside a special place where my innermost thoughts can be expressed. I wish someone could hear me though. No one can hear my cries in real life, no one can hear it here, what will happen when I finally jump off a cliff?

I don't know. 

My Lost Control

Gosh, ever since my parents partially found out about this, they have been hounding me with food. And when people hound me with food, even when they're not there, I will eat! Gosh, this whole cycle is annoying and I need to break it.

I miss fasting terribly. I've lost all control! I've gained all the inches I've lost, what if I hadn't measured correctly in the first place? God. I can't even. I need a scale, so badly. In my spare time I drool over scales on the internet. And diet foods, does anybody else do this?

I feel like if I'm not in control of what I eat, I'm not in control of anything. I need to be in control. I need to feel strong once again.

Someone tell me I'm not alone.

Remember Kony?

Last night I turned on the news, and all this commotion was on about these grade school kids had been killed. Then I go on to facebook and twitter, and then I see trends such as #PrayForCT, #PrayForNewton, with people in bloody England participating as if it was their country, and then on facebook people are fucking writing paragraphs, none of them being from Connecticut or knowing anyone from there.

Yes, I know I'm rambling, but point is, how long is this going to fucking last. 

Why is that when shit like this happens in America, everyone makes a big deal out of it, but in any other fucking country, America is there eating their cheeseburgers and shit? Why is that everyone feels the fucking need to participate in stuff like this, just to feed their own ego, and then let it go?

Do you fucking remember Kony, when everyone was an activist for a week.

Or Amanda Todd, where everyone was anti-bullying protestant for a week.

Or fucking Aurora, surely the people that lost dear ones are happy now? Or have we done our part by giving them trends for a day? I don't even know. The World is full of bullshit.

When  saw it, I laughed. I won't lie. I laughed. God was calling the little kids, and yes those who were close to them will be affected, but let's not lie -- those people that tweeted that shit, when was the last time they went to Church? 

Yes, I'm messed up. I laughed at death.