Shut Up

This blog was originally meant to be some kind of ED blog, but I haven't been talking about such much, and I don't know, I don't think I have an ED, which makes me feel gross, inside and out, because then, the whole thing would have been just a phase.

There's a voice that constantly nags me about how fat I am, but other than that, I've been eating. Way. Too. Much. Not even binging, just eating too much. Well, technically, I've been eating a 'right amount' by Health Class standards, but in my opinion I've been eating way too much.

In addition to that, I've been getting bouts of Mark's voice (Mark is what I call the voice in my head), telling me not to eat and such. The last time I really heard him, I was binging and then he said, "Why are you eating? You're always eating. You never listen to me. Why do I even try? If you wanted to be skinny you would do what I say. I give up!"

It makes me feel horrible that a figment of my imagination "gave up" on me.

In other news, I'm nearing one month cut free, but it's driving me crazy. I can't tell anyone about my problems and cutting was the only thing that kept me from going over the edge. I feel like I'm walking in a daze, but I also like it in a way, because this feeling is much more self-destructive than cutting or burning or punching ever was.

Also, I had another dream about S, just last night. That's three now. What on earth?

Hey Mama

Hey Mom, guess what?

Fuck you.

Let me tell you something about my mother. She's an annoying ass rat and I'm probably going to go to hell for saying this, but I don't know, I don't care. I hate her guts.

Okay, so my mom gets angry when I don't clean the dining. Okay, no biggie, moms do that. Then she shouts and insults me for hours on end. I get pissed, but keep my insults in my head. Whatever, okay? It's not like I'm the only one it's happened to. Then she slaps me and gets a belt or whatever, "discipline" right? And okay, fine, once in a while great, teach me a fucking lesson. But that's all you know how to do, fucking shout and insult and beat and that's it. Then you do it some more when I say I hate you.

Great parenting you got there. And you wonder, 'What's wrong with you?'
Just so happens to be everything. I'd like to blame you because I'd like to blame someone, but God knows it's all me. Doesn't stop me from hating, though.

Because you know what mom, you can say, that even with my 3.8 GPA that I'm stupid, but please realize that I must have gotten that stupidity gene from someone, you or dad. Settle it amongsts yourselves please. And you know, I recently got an email concerning the final stages of my scholarship money, and it was sent to my dad & her. My dad couldn't view it on his Blackberry, but my mom was on her laptop and refused to open her email while frowning.

About that email though, apparently I didn't even get it, which means I am a failure. I was so certain about it, even. So I cut and cut again for yesterday, at Z's get together for her birthday. I ate too much. Less than most people, but too much.

I wanted to clean it up but got distracted, so my mom saw some blood and my scarred wrists. They're only scarred, I stopped cutting there a while ago, so I told her I must have fallen. But she said no, that they were too straight and only on my right hand, so it must be a razor. I said no, but apparently she'll ask anyone if they have a cut tomorrow morning, which I say she'll forget.

See Ya Later

Here's to the crying late at night,

To the foolish parents,

To smelling glue,

To the continuous cuts.

Here's to happiness that I'm afraid of,

Here's to help I don't deserve,

Here's to non-existent friends,

Here's to me not fighting,

Because I do nothing but beat the air.

I'll be back within 30 days, preferably less, I want to get away from my family because they are the weights holding me back. My grant is on its way, and I'm hopping off this fat train once it arrives.

“It is of no use,” says the Preacher, “It is all for nothing!” 
 Ecclesiastes 12:8

Going 'Home'.

I'm going to a boarding school America from 9th to 12th grade. It's official.

You know what that means?

Restriction.

I started a devotion on cutting.

Day One. [12.22.2012]

"People have been cutting themselves for various reasons for a long time. We even have record of it in the Old Testament. Often times, the pain caused by the cutting is used to mask some other, often greater pain they are experiencing. Cutting is the fruit of a problem stemming from a deeper issue in the root. Today, begin to open yourself up to God, that he would bring you relief from all of the pain in your life - physical and emotional."

It's so hard to remember though. It really is.