I'm Overweight

I'm certain that my current weight is now higher than my unidentified highest weight. It's crazy. I've gained ten pounds since February, when I weighed at a hospital. I want to kill myself. Now I'm overweight. It's a much needed wake up call. I'm going to stop binging, purge more, and starve more.

In relation to the Boston Bombing, I'm not really shocked. I'm always wondering why it doesn't happen more often that it does. I'm not saying I want things like this to happen, I just look around and think, wow, so nobody here has the intention of killing? 

I take everyday we don't go without these as a blessing. You're never safe. My paranoia has taught me one thing, at least.

Also, I'm not impressed by the concern. There was concern for the Newtown & Colorado shooting, but that quickly did out, like the fad it was. It bothers me that people never 'care' for long, and then shout at me for not caring at all. In the end, we all end up in the same place.

I also deactivated my tumblr and came back under a new username. I follow S on there and he follows me, and I think what I say bothers him. He's even started writing sub text posts. Whatever. He also thinks I'm arrogant or something, and that I'm angry because we talked the whole of Easter break and suddenly he stopped. I'm not angry. It was to be expected and just because you're not talking doesn't mean anything. At all. Not to me.

 I got really pissed. I don't know why. I'm pissed at everyone. I start school Today, and I really want to talk to him so that I can get closer and try to mess with his mind. As for Z, she's talking to me more and I hate it. She should go hide in  a corner. It's probably because I'm not talking to S often and she's let go of me dating him thing. Nah, she shouldn't get too comfortable. Because I'm going to fuck with everyone this term. 

Another thing is that I've been really close to crying but haven't. I almost had a breakdown in class during our extra lessons last week. Seriously. I haven't cried since Feb. 21st. I really don't want to cry, although it will make me feel better a bit, it will also make me feel more pathetic.

I really want to run away. It's been on my mind 24/7, but I can't even get out of the estate alone. I want to go. I want to leave.

Shut Up

This blog was originally meant to be some kind of ED blog, but I haven't been talking about such much, and I don't know, I don't think I have an ED, which makes me feel gross, inside and out, because then, the whole thing would have been just a phase.

There's a voice that constantly nags me about how fat I am, but other than that, I've been eating. Way. Too. Much. Not even binging, just eating too much. Well, technically, I've been eating a 'right amount' by Health Class standards, but in my opinion I've been eating way too much.

In addition to that, I've been getting bouts of Mark's voice (Mark is what I call the voice in my head), telling me not to eat and such. The last time I really heard him, I was binging and then he said, "Why are you eating? You're always eating. You never listen to me. Why do I even try? If you wanted to be skinny you would do what I say. I give up!"

It makes me feel horrible that a figment of my imagination "gave up" on me.

In other news, I'm nearing one month cut free, but it's driving me crazy. I can't tell anyone about my problems and cutting was the only thing that kept me from going over the edge. I feel like I'm walking in a daze, but I also like it in a way, because this feeling is much more self-destructive than cutting or burning or punching ever was.

Also, I had another dream about S, just last night. That's three now. What on earth?

Hey Mama

Hey Mom, guess what?

Fuck you.

Let me tell you something about my mother. She's an annoying ass rat and I'm probably going to go to hell for saying this, but I don't know, I don't care. I hate her guts.

Okay, so my mom gets angry when I don't clean the dining. Okay, no biggie, moms do that. Then she shouts and insults me for hours on end. I get pissed, but keep my insults in my head. Whatever, okay? It's not like I'm the only one it's happened to. Then she slaps me and gets a belt or whatever, "discipline" right? And okay, fine, once in a while great, teach me a fucking lesson. But that's all you know how to do, fucking shout and insult and beat and that's it. Then you do it some more when I say I hate you.

Great parenting you got there. And you wonder, 'What's wrong with you?'
Just so happens to be everything. I'd like to blame you because I'd like to blame someone, but God knows it's all me. Doesn't stop me from hating, though.

Because you know what mom, you can say, that even with my 3.8 GPA that I'm stupid, but please realize that I must have gotten that stupidity gene from someone, you or dad. Settle it amongsts yourselves please. And you know, I recently got an email concerning the final stages of my scholarship money, and it was sent to my dad & her. My dad couldn't view it on his Blackberry, but my mom was on her laptop and refused to open her email while frowning.

About that email though, apparently I didn't even get it, which means I am a failure. I was so certain about it, even. So I cut and cut again for yesterday, at Z's get together for her birthday. I ate too much. Less than most people, but too much.

I wanted to clean it up but got distracted, so my mom saw some blood and my scarred wrists. They're only scarred, I stopped cutting there a while ago, so I told her I must have fallen. But she said no, that they were too straight and only on my right hand, so it must be a razor. I said no, but apparently she'll ask anyone if they have a cut tomorrow morning, which I say she'll forget.

Blame Society

We all want to blame this epidemic on someone, something. This epidemic of eating disorders and depression, who's fault is it? And all fingers point to society. With the thin. but curvy females and just-right muscled men we constantly see on TV with those smiles always on their faces, even if they don't say it, they bring out the message, "You have to look like me to be happy."

So then we blame them. For a lot of things. Society killed the teenager, they say. And on the topic of eating disorders, there seems to be a popular gif on tumblr, that says, "Society, what have you done?" But please tell me, of the percentage of people that feels the need to be skinny, that sees those smiles plastered across faces, isn't it a relatively small but sadly growing percentage of people that have eating disorders?

Have you ever stepped out and tried to look at this from the Outside's point of view? I do, all the time, and I understand why there are such stigmas around eating disorders. Lately, whenever I throw away food I feel extremely guilty, because it's such a waste. They look at us and see us being obsessed with the numbers on the scale and the image in the mirror and look at all the dedication we have just to be skinny, they think, and even if they realize it's for control they look at us because we must look like some selfish, power hungry fools.

Can you imagine, if all this energy you put into this into this order, you put into something like Cancer research? Exactly.

But on a more personal stuff, I've been thinking about S a lot, and it bothers me. I don't like him, but I can't stop thinking about him, and like I said, I really want him to like me just to piss Z off. (By the way, she doesn't talk to me much about him anymore, mostly our friend F because I'm sure she thinks we're friends with benefits. It's good for her, let her think what she wants.)

See Ya Later

Here's to the crying late at night,

To the foolish parents,

To smelling glue,

To the continuous cuts.

Here's to happiness that I'm afraid of,

Here's to help I don't deserve,

Here's to non-existent friends,

Here's to me not fighting,

Because I do nothing but beat the air.

I'll be back within 30 days, preferably less, I want to get away from my family because they are the weights holding me back. My grant is on its way, and I'm hopping off this fat train once it arrives.

“It is of no use,” says the Preacher, “It is all for nothing!” 
 Ecclesiastes 12:8

Green Paper

I want to start saving up for spending in the USA. How to do that though? I have roughly 70 dollars because of the surveys I take, but that's about it. I've heard you can make a lot from blogs, twitter, etc. though.

But you need to have followers. Traffic, whatever. And they need to click ads. Ads are ugly. Gosh, but still. First things first, no one is listening.

No one is reading this.

This place is my City of Refuge, I started unintentionally killing myself, and I do not care anymore. I have come to flee, set aside a special place where my innermost thoughts can be expressed. I wish someone could hear me though. No one can hear my cries in real life, no one can hear it here, what will happen when I finally jump off a cliff?

I don't know. 

My Lost Control

Gosh, ever since my parents partially found out about this, they have been hounding me with food. And when people hound me with food, even when they're not there, I will eat! Gosh, this whole cycle is annoying and I need to break it.

I miss fasting terribly. I've lost all control! I've gained all the inches I've lost, what if I hadn't measured correctly in the first place? God. I can't even. I need a scale, so badly. In my spare time I drool over scales on the internet. And diet foods, does anybody else do this?

I feel like if I'm not in control of what I eat, I'm not in control of anything. I need to be in control. I need to feel strong once again.

Someone tell me I'm not alone.

"Is She Eating?"

Of course she's eating. Of course she eats in the middle of the night, when people are sleeping. Of course she cuts and tries to purge but almost never does, of course she's restricting in the day, of course she's still fat.

I hate it when my parents ask that question, because I am eating. Really, I am. Funniest thing is that to my peers I probably eat too much, because I'm one big fat size 10. Maybe even 12. But I don't eat in front of people, not anymore. I didn't even notice when it started.