Hey Mama

Hey Mom, guess what?

Fuck you.

Let me tell you something about my mother. She's an annoying ass rat and I'm probably going to go to hell for saying this, but I don't know, I don't care. I hate her guts.

Okay, so my mom gets angry when I don't clean the dining. Okay, no biggie, moms do that. Then she shouts and insults me for hours on end. I get pissed, but keep my insults in my head. Whatever, okay? It's not like I'm the only one it's happened to. Then she slaps me and gets a belt or whatever, "discipline" right? And okay, fine, once in a while great, teach me a fucking lesson. But that's all you know how to do, fucking shout and insult and beat and that's it. Then you do it some more when I say I hate you.

Great parenting you got there. And you wonder, 'What's wrong with you?'
Just so happens to be everything. I'd like to blame you because I'd like to blame someone, but God knows it's all me. Doesn't stop me from hating, though.

Because you know what mom, you can say, that even with my 3.8 GPA that I'm stupid, but please realize that I must have gotten that stupidity gene from someone, you or dad. Settle it amongsts yourselves please. And you know, I recently got an email concerning the final stages of my scholarship money, and it was sent to my dad & her. My dad couldn't view it on his Blackberry, but my mom was on her laptop and refused to open her email while frowning.

About that email though, apparently I didn't even get it, which means I am a failure. I was so certain about it, even. So I cut and cut again for yesterday, at Z's get together for her birthday. I ate too much. Less than most people, but too much.

I wanted to clean it up but got distracted, so my mom saw some blood and my scarred wrists. They're only scarred, I stopped cutting there a while ago, so I told her I must have fallen. But she said no, that they were too straight and only on my right hand, so it must be a razor. I said no, but apparently she'll ask anyone if they have a cut tomorrow morning, which I say she'll forget.

Anonymous Messages

I never thought one senior could cause so much trouble. S, who I'm beginning to mention more than my own name, knows my tumblr. Well, I knew that a long time ago, I just never thought he paid attention to my messed up posts; guess what? He did.

So a few weeks ago he comes into my class and I'm on my Galaxy Tab as always, and in the middle of talking to someone he just looks at me and asks if I'm on tumblr. D (this really annoying girl that everyone hates and obviously has the hots for Seun) says with her ridiculous voice, "Yeah, I am." But he took her no regard, which I thought was funny and said, "I'm not talking to you." He then asked me directly if I was on tumblr.

I said no ('cause I wasn't, truly), but my heart was in my throat because if he mentioned tumblr in front of everyone, well.  . .

He ended up doing it a few days anyways. Once again, he was in my class, and while doing something on my tablet I suddenly asked F, the girl on front of me, "What does it feel like to die?" And I probably shouldn't have, because then he comes and says, "Tosin, do you want to die?" almost laughing.

And then I laughed too, because it's what I do and say no, but then he turns to the whole class in general and says, "You know this chick is suicidal right? She posts all this fucked up stuff on her tumblr, what is it again? 'tosinwashere'," he said, but my face, still smiling shook negatively. He guessed a little but then he obviously didn't know how to pronounce my URL so he left it, and D came in again saying yeah she had gone to my tumblr and it was 'scary'.

I cut in school for the first time that day. Because their reaction was too nonchalant.

Z noticed it after school, but didn't really say anything except, 'You cut,' and 'That's where the blood was from.' after which she went home.

Urgh, then he came again, and we started talking, and I kept on hiding my twitter everytime he looked my way, which he got upset about saying that he thought we were cool and I sighed and said that that doesn't mean I can't have my secrets.

He talked a lot about me & my suicidalness, but then he talked about Z, saying that he doesn't like her but he wants her back, that both her and her sister behave like sluts sometimes, and how stupid she was and some other stuff (and really, I agree with him). At the end, he said he didn't want her anymore, which made me happy.

This post is awfully long, but fe fi fo fum.

I told her part of what happened and left out a part which, after phrasing it, made it seem like S and I have something Top Secret going on, like FWB or something, I don't even know. It wasn't on purpose, I don't think.

Later that day; I got an anonymous message telling me to love myself and shit, but I don't even understand. He seems to not care, and then care at the same time, and now I want him to like me because then he won't like Z, and nobody's ever liked me before, I don't think.

Another Dream

A Year Eleven, S, is dating Z (the letters may be getting confusing, but fee fi fo fum) and they've had an on and off relationship since October, they fight way too much in my opinion, and Z is always complaining and wailing about him talking to other girls and everything, which is really irritating, but at the same time I like it, because it feels good to know that I get all the gossip firsthand and immediately.

Either way, it's been annoying me. Just a little. 

Last term I talked about doing stupid shit with S (while he was dating Z, shhh) and earlier before that, I had a  dream about him, aha, which was really stupid because I don't like him (I know when I don't like someone, it's either all or nothing for me, and this is most definitely nothing) but whatever. I actually told him though because it bothered me at the time.

And then, a few days ago, I had another dream about him.

More like a series of dreams to be honest.

I can't even remember them, which really sucks. I want to at least know what happened in it aha.

At this time Z and S were off, but today, yes today, they broke up again. And then S came to talk to me and said how Z and I are fucked up, because he found out about her other boyfriends, and I was the one that 'introduced' this thing to her, and I got really angry and said that he should stop associating me with her, that why does everybody do that, that I don't like her and that neither he nor she knows anything about me (which is silly, because, I found out that he found my tumblr). 

Whoops.

I can't blame anybody for doing that, associating me with her, and saying we're best friends, but it still makes my skin crawl, which is hilarious. And I'm getting really annoyed with her and I'm getting to the point where I'm about to do things I probably shouldn't. 

Yesterday everyone said I was mean, yeah no shit sherlock.

Follower Dreams

I am a leader, not a follower. I despise being labelled as second, and that's exactly what's happening now. My 'best friend' -- I don't like her at all, but let's call her Z -- and I are two very loud people. When I first came to my current school, I was not shy at all, and made sure my presence was known, but as I stayed longer in the school I became louder (people weren't noticing me as much as I'd like them to).

Anyways, Z is a loud girl too. So we hang out  a lot, and she's, as far as I'm concerned, my handbag. But people see me as the handbag, why? An idea just came to mind that maybe it's because she's been at my school for longer and people already know her as the loud one, but I can tell you now that I'm not an imitator. 

This is annoying. In Year Eight, a Year Eleven laughed that Z was the 'ring leader', but it's not true, and today my French Teacher and everyone agreed that Z was louder than me. Z tells me all the time that I'm too loud, which I take pride in, because she might be thin, but she will never take my voice.

Why?

I keep on making excuses.

It's because she's prettier.

It's because she's thinner.

It's because she's been here longer.

But what if it's true, and what if all I am is a handbag? This is one of the few I have left, my loudness, my leadership, you can't take that away from me.

Green Paper

I want to start saving up for spending in the USA. How to do that though? I have roughly 70 dollars because of the surveys I take, but that's about it. I've heard you can make a lot from blogs, twitter, etc. though.

But you need to have followers. Traffic, whatever. And they need to click ads. Ads are ugly. Gosh, but still. First things first, no one is listening.

No one is reading this.

This place is my City of Refuge, I started unintentionally killing myself, and I do not care anymore. I have come to flee, set aside a special place where my innermost thoughts can be expressed. I wish someone could hear me though. No one can hear my cries in real life, no one can hear it here, what will happen when I finally jump off a cliff?

I don't know. 

Have Faith

Have you ever had so much faith that something would happen? And it's not like you were, okay, this will happen, while doing absolutely nothing, you put every bloody effort you can put and it just doesn't fucking happen?

I'm having that nagging feeling in the back of my head saying that all this hard work, blood and sweat, will amount to nothing. Which is obviously not true. Must be the devil. I mean, I've spread myself thin preparing for this, there's no way it won't happen, because I have put all my hard work in it.

I'm going to America. I'm going to America. I'm studying in Sandy Spring Friends School. I'm studying in Sandy Spring Friends School. I'm graduating from Phillips Andover. I'm graduating from Phillips Andover. My pastor says when believing God for a miracle, to not stop confessing.

But when I say, I'm working so hard for this, you must understand that I really am. I keep telling everyone that I'm going to Sandy Spring and they laugh. Screw them.