Anonymous Messages

I never thought one senior could cause so much trouble. S, who I'm beginning to mention more than my own name, knows my tumblr. Well, I knew that a long time ago, I just never thought he paid attention to my messed up posts; guess what? He did.

So a few weeks ago he comes into my class and I'm on my Galaxy Tab as always, and in the middle of talking to someone he just looks at me and asks if I'm on tumblr. D (this really annoying girl that everyone hates and obviously has the hots for Seun) says with her ridiculous voice, "Yeah, I am." But he took her no regard, which I thought was funny and said, "I'm not talking to you." He then asked me directly if I was on tumblr.

I said no ('cause I wasn't, truly), but my heart was in my throat because if he mentioned tumblr in front of everyone, well.  . .

He ended up doing it a few days anyways. Once again, he was in my class, and while doing something on my tablet I suddenly asked F, the girl on front of me, "What does it feel like to die?" And I probably shouldn't have, because then he comes and says, "Tosin, do you want to die?" almost laughing.

And then I laughed too, because it's what I do and say no, but then he turns to the whole class in general and says, "You know this chick is suicidal right? She posts all this fucked up stuff on her tumblr, what is it again? 'tosinwashere'," he said, but my face, still smiling shook negatively. He guessed a little but then he obviously didn't know how to pronounce my URL so he left it, and D came in again saying yeah she had gone to my tumblr and it was 'scary'.

I cut in school for the first time that day. Because their reaction was too nonchalant.

Z noticed it after school, but didn't really say anything except, 'You cut,' and 'That's where the blood was from.' after which she went home.

Urgh, then he came again, and we started talking, and I kept on hiding my twitter everytime he looked my way, which he got upset about saying that he thought we were cool and I sighed and said that that doesn't mean I can't have my secrets.

He talked a lot about me & my suicidalness, but then he talked about Z, saying that he doesn't like her but he wants her back, that both her and her sister behave like sluts sometimes, and how stupid she was and some other stuff (and really, I agree with him). At the end, he said he didn't want her anymore, which made me happy.

This post is awfully long, but fe fi fo fum.

I told her part of what happened and left out a part which, after phrasing it, made it seem like S and I have something Top Secret going on, like FWB or something, I don't even know. It wasn't on purpose, I don't think.

Later that day; I got an anonymous message telling me to love myself and shit, but I don't even understand. He seems to not care, and then care at the same time, and now I want him to like me because then he won't like Z, and nobody's ever liked me before, I don't think.

New Lives

Does anyone here have a MyFitnessPal? I do, although I haven't logged in ages due to my non-stop binging.  There are tonnes of nice people on there (although there are some really annoying ones too, they're everywhere eh?). A few weeks ago I deleted practically all my friends, including the ones that I talked to a lot, because I just got bored.

I mean, a lot of people always like to stay in one particular place with a particular group of people that they want to be with till the end of time, which is silly, because things are bound to change; as for me? I like to switch schools, friends, etc often because I like the idea of starting a new life, even though I know you can't ever really leave the past behind.

I'm not exactly sure what my personality is; every time I do this I always change. It's sad and addicting, because with this brings attention, the very thing I thrive on.

At first a few people messaged me, more than I thought would, asking, Why? But what was I supposed to say,  I enjoy the attention? That doesn't go over well with most people. So I made up a little sob story, came flowing out of my fingers, just like that.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Another Dream

A Year Eleven, S, is dating Z (the letters may be getting confusing, but fee fi fo fum) and they've had an on and off relationship since October, they fight way too much in my opinion, and Z is always complaining and wailing about him talking to other girls and everything, which is really irritating, but at the same time I like it, because it feels good to know that I get all the gossip firsthand and immediately.

Either way, it's been annoying me. Just a little. 

Last term I talked about doing stupid shit with S (while he was dating Z, shhh) and earlier before that, I had a  dream about him, aha, which was really stupid because I don't like him (I know when I don't like someone, it's either all or nothing for me, and this is most definitely nothing) but whatever. I actually told him though because it bothered me at the time.

And then, a few days ago, I had another dream about him.

More like a series of dreams to be honest.

I can't even remember them, which really sucks. I want to at least know what happened in it aha.

At this time Z and S were off, but today, yes today, they broke up again. And then S came to talk to me and said how Z and I are fucked up, because he found out about her other boyfriends, and I was the one that 'introduced' this thing to her, and I got really angry and said that he should stop associating me with her, that why does everybody do that, that I don't like her and that neither he nor she knows anything about me (which is silly, because, I found out that he found my tumblr). 

Whoops.

I can't blame anybody for doing that, associating me with her, and saying we're best friends, but it still makes my skin crawl, which is hilarious. And I'm getting really annoyed with her and I'm getting to the point where I'm about to do things I probably shouldn't. 

Yesterday everyone said I was mean, yeah no shit sherlock.

Follower Dreams

I am a leader, not a follower. I despise being labelled as second, and that's exactly what's happening now. My 'best friend' -- I don't like her at all, but let's call her Z -- and I are two very loud people. When I first came to my current school, I was not shy at all, and made sure my presence was known, but as I stayed longer in the school I became louder (people weren't noticing me as much as I'd like them to).

Anyways, Z is a loud girl too. So we hang out  a lot, and she's, as far as I'm concerned, my handbag. But people see me as the handbag, why? An idea just came to mind that maybe it's because she's been at my school for longer and people already know her as the loud one, but I can tell you now that I'm not an imitator. 

This is annoying. In Year Eight, a Year Eleven laughed that Z was the 'ring leader', but it's not true, and today my French Teacher and everyone agreed that Z was louder than me. Z tells me all the time that I'm too loud, which I take pride in, because she might be thin, but she will never take my voice.

Why?

I keep on making excuses.

It's because she's prettier.

It's because she's thinner.

It's because she's been here longer.

But what if it's true, and what if all I am is a handbag? This is one of the few I have left, my loudness, my leadership, you can't take that away from me.

See Ya Later

Here's to the crying late at night,

To the foolish parents,

To smelling glue,

To the continuous cuts.

Here's to happiness that I'm afraid of,

Here's to help I don't deserve,

Here's to non-existent friends,

Here's to me not fighting,

Because I do nothing but beat the air.

I'll be back within 30 days, preferably less, I want to get away from my family because they are the weights holding me back. My grant is on its way, and I'm hopping off this fat train once it arrives.

“It is of no use,” says the Preacher, “It is all for nothing!” 
 Ecclesiastes 12:8

Going 'Home'.

I'm going to a boarding school America from 9th to 12th grade. It's official.

You know what that means?

Restriction.

I started a devotion on cutting.

Day One. [12.22.2012]

"People have been cutting themselves for various reasons for a long time. We even have record of it in the Old Testament. Often times, the pain caused by the cutting is used to mask some other, often greater pain they are experiencing. Cutting is the fruit of a problem stemming from a deeper issue in the root. Today, begin to open yourself up to God, that he would bring you relief from all of the pain in your life - physical and emotional."

It's so hard to remember though. It really is.

Mental Breakdown

I can't deal. So many things have happened in such a small period of time and most happens in my head.

I've had so many weird dreams latlely. A couple nights ago I dreamt that some eighth grade boys sexually harrased me, and I can't remember what I dreamt of actually, but it was so freaky. They weren't nightmares though. I'd rather have nightmares than dreams like these.

The other day, my 'friend' Skylar (I don't really like her to be honest) posted a picture and then her boyfriend, who is ugly and annoying and comments on every damn post, ones that she posts on others wall, or things having nothing to do with him.

I'm just saying it annoys me. And then Leo, a boy I went to school with in 6th grade, totally agreed with me. Ricardo (the boyfriend) was really stupid about it, and said he wasn't asking for help in his relationship. Hell? I wasn't giving help. I was just saying that it annoys me. He said 'nobody asked.' I mean, the hell? Fourth grade much?

Anyways, in short everyone was being basic and I deleted Skylar, and blocked Ricardo. While I was at it, I deleted everyone I talked to in person, because I hate everyone. I kept people I don't talk to, ironic much? I don't like them, but I don't pretend to anyways. If that makes sense.

Also, yesterday I looked in the mirror and screamed. I mean, flat-out screamed. Mind you, I was never under an illusion that I was pretty. But what I say was an empty mummy, and I'm not joking. I looked dead and evil.

I am dead and evil.

After then, I ran to get my blade but it was too blunt. I turned to matchsticks but I felt nothing. I hit myself and I could hear the impact of my blows but I couldn't feel. I sat down and started crying, and walked around the house with puffy eyes.

Did anyone care?

No.

Emily Anonymous, believe me they don't. I've tried flaunting it in their faces but they simply disregard what I say.