Perfection Problems

I told myself I would write a post before April ends -- then the night of May 1st. But I guess the morning of the 6th works just as well. In a way, I'm kind of glad I stalled -- I like long, infrequent posts, and if I had posted then then I would have waited some time before posting what happened recently.

One, I hate my teachers. All of them think I'm "following" Z, which is silly, because, I'm the brain behind everything she does -- she copies everything I do, even when she wasn't talking to me I had that power over her. And they say, too, that she's manipulating the class, which is extremely stupid, because she's not smart enough for that and once again, does nothing on her own.

Z also thought that S was going to ask her out again, (he laughed so hard at this), and then lied to a classmate saying that she was staying after school because he said that he wanted to tell her something (also, laughed at this).

I've had lots of dreams, too. There was one in the car where I was half asleep and I checked my phone and saw a message from S saying how he loved to talk to me, then another with S and I in a field about to kiss and my brother popped up from nowhere. There were lots others, too. .

Funny thing about S, is that he triggered me once, I think, recently. I say I think because I never really understood what triggering actually is. But, a few days ago he called me a "standard babe" to which I felt like cutting my hips and wrists and ankles because all I could think was, no, I'm not one at all, I'm horrible and disgusting!

I don't even know what I want to look like anymore, because all I want to be is perfect, but there are people  bigger than me that I think are perfect, then people much smaller than me that I still think are perfect, and all I want to be is perfect, and I'm not even sure that if I ever get skinny I will attain that.

I know it's not real, but there has to be some kind of perfection in my mind.

Another example of perfection is when I made out with S in my dad's car, early morning on May 4th. He came around 2AM and left at about 4AM. We talked for an hour, and made out / cuddled for another. I was practically vibrating when he left.

I'm sure he got caught though, and both the session in the car and what could happen has been on my mind since. Practically the only thing on my mind.

Funny enough, today (yesterday) at Teen Church I was getting screened for a work group, and I was asked if I had troubles in fornication, and oral sex, which is really a yes but I said no. I had to. I have kept up the perfect girl reputation at my church, and I knew the workers would look at me differently.

In fact, I didn't even know I lied till a few moments after I did.

I'm Overweight

I'm certain that my current weight is now higher than my unidentified highest weight. It's crazy. I've gained ten pounds since February, when I weighed at a hospital. I want to kill myself. Now I'm overweight. It's a much needed wake up call. I'm going to stop binging, purge more, and starve more.

In relation to the Boston Bombing, I'm not really shocked. I'm always wondering why it doesn't happen more often that it does. I'm not saying I want things like this to happen, I just look around and think, wow, so nobody here has the intention of killing? 

I take everyday we don't go without these as a blessing. You're never safe. My paranoia has taught me one thing, at least.

Also, I'm not impressed by the concern. There was concern for the Newtown & Colorado shooting, but that quickly did out, like the fad it was. It bothers me that people never 'care' for long, and then shout at me for not caring at all. In the end, we all end up in the same place.

I also deactivated my tumblr and came back under a new username. I follow S on there and he follows me, and I think what I say bothers him. He's even started writing sub text posts. Whatever. He also thinks I'm arrogant or something, and that I'm angry because we talked the whole of Easter break and suddenly he stopped. I'm not angry. It was to be expected and just because you're not talking doesn't mean anything. At all. Not to me.

 I got really pissed. I don't know why. I'm pissed at everyone. I start school Today, and I really want to talk to him so that I can get closer and try to mess with his mind. As for Z, she's talking to me more and I hate it. She should go hide in  a corner. It's probably because I'm not talking to S often and she's let go of me dating him thing. Nah, she shouldn't get too comfortable. Because I'm going to fuck with everyone this term. 

Another thing is that I've been really close to crying but haven't. I almost had a breakdown in class during our extra lessons last week. Seriously. I haven't cried since Feb. 21st. I really don't want to cry, although it will make me feel better a bit, it will also make me feel more pathetic.

I really want to run away. It's been on my mind 24/7, but I can't even get out of the estate alone. I want to go. I want to leave.

Fearful Ways.

Let me be the first to comment on my hatred of fear. It wraps you up in a blanket and never let's you go; fear is the reason I haven't posted on here in more than a month. Fear, or as the doctors call it, paranoia is what keeps me from becoming close friends with anybody, what keeps me from telling secrets and what causes my wall to be bullet proof and indestructible. Fear.

God, I'm scared of so many things it scares me. My paranoia rules my life and I never really noticed until a few weeks ago, when I finally faced the fact that I did not hate relationships, nor do I really hate people, but I'm scared of them. After this I finally confessed to myself how much more I was fearful of.

 One thing was how scared I am of someone, everyone, finding this blog and all my anon accounts, it scares me so much every time I want to make a post on here or tumblr or twitter, it scares me enough to just want to deactivate everything and hide out in a ball and let my thoughts consume me. Without all these outlets, I'd literally be dead.

Shut Up

This blog was originally meant to be some kind of ED blog, but I haven't been talking about such much, and I don't know, I don't think I have an ED, which makes me feel gross, inside and out, because then, the whole thing would have been just a phase.

There's a voice that constantly nags me about how fat I am, but other than that, I've been eating. Way. Too. Much. Not even binging, just eating too much. Well, technically, I've been eating a 'right amount' by Health Class standards, but in my opinion I've been eating way too much.

In addition to that, I've been getting bouts of Mark's voice (Mark is what I call the voice in my head), telling me not to eat and such. The last time I really heard him, I was binging and then he said, "Why are you eating? You're always eating. You never listen to me. Why do I even try? If you wanted to be skinny you would do what I say. I give up!"

It makes me feel horrible that a figment of my imagination "gave up" on me.

In other news, I'm nearing one month cut free, but it's driving me crazy. I can't tell anyone about my problems and cutting was the only thing that kept me from going over the edge. I feel like I'm walking in a daze, but I also like it in a way, because this feeling is much more self-destructive than cutting or burning or punching ever was.

Also, I had another dream about S, just last night. That's three now. What on earth?

Silly Girls

If you want to lie, lie well. Okay, so something hilarious is going on. There's a lot of drama in such a small school, you know? Anyways, on Monday Z decided to stop talking to me. She yelled and insulted me and I did too, she had to shut up right? I'm surprised I didn't choke her, so she was only talking to F. I noticed right away and I knew exactly why; my theory was confirmed during first break.

I sat next to F and Z sat next to me and they were talking about my dream about S obviously without mentioning it, but it was easy to decipit. I had only told F, but I guess she told Z, which I anticipated and I'm quite happy about.

To make sure, though, I asked F, "Were you talking about the dream I told you?" and she said no, which was, a horrible horrible lie and I'm not sure what percentage of my class thinks I'm stupid but I can say that I'm an amazing liar (not taking any pride in it, it's just true) and I can spot lies from afar.

Anyways, I was already pissed at Z, but now I was pissed at F too. How dare they? Anyways, for the next break and the following day, I hung out with S instead. I told him about how Z thinks there's something going on between us (being S and I) and she's not talking to me and how extremely pathetic it all was, and how she kept on saying that she wanted to do some 'investigation' which is creepy as hell.

He also found out that she was stalking him through a fake facebook account, which is like, erm, do you not have a life? We're both sharing a laugh at this whole thing.

The best part is yet to come though.

So the next day, Wednesday, Z still isn't talking to me (in fact, during break instead of sitting next to me on the bench she went to another bench and was talking to F from there, epitome of immaturity) and it was pool day, she didn't swim, but F and I did, and so did S.

F told me that Z said I called her the other day, but wait a minute -- I haven't seen my phone since Sunday afternoon. That's when I lost it, but it also turns out that there's a very high chance that Brian, a guy she's always talking about, doesn't exist, which is just pathetic. I had already known that she was probably lying, because everytime I talk about wanting to see him she makes up some silly excuse. Also, she had said before that S had broken up with her for her older sister, because she had apparently searched her messages, and I knew she was lying but S just confirmed it.

So today, I asked her how on earth I could have called her when I've lost my phone, and she froze. She said I apparently kik'ed her, using my tab, and I asked to see the message, so she sat down for a very long time, claiming that it was updating, and when she brought it to me, I could tell that she:

- Created a fake account for me, using my facebook profile picture, but my kik picture is different
- Sent a message to herself, so it said four minutes ago, she tried covering it but I still saw it.

When I said that it obviously wasn't me, she said that maybe someone created a fake account, and I laughed and left it at that, because I didn't want to cause trouble yet. That's for tomorrow (today, really, it's past one in the morning). So she said I had also called her, and brought out her Blackberry and showed me where I had apparently called her, but on Blackberry's a green phone with an arrow means outgoing call right? And that's what was there. She had called me.

I pretended not to notice. No need for drama now.

And, after all this commotion, she's started talking to me again. I want to punch her in the face.

On the note of S, I feel really stupid because I can't stop thinking about him, and there's this thing I always do in my head:

- I really want to kiss him
- Who?

But what I think is never S's name, it's always a boy that I don't think I have a crush on, I don't even know.  I feel extremely stupid because none of them would ever like me, especially S, who was once again talking to me personally about how scary it was that I wanted to die. But death is so hauntingly beautiful.

Hey Mama

Hey Mom, guess what?

Fuck you.

Let me tell you something about my mother. She's an annoying ass rat and I'm probably going to go to hell for saying this, but I don't know, I don't care. I hate her guts.

Okay, so my mom gets angry when I don't clean the dining. Okay, no biggie, moms do that. Then she shouts and insults me for hours on end. I get pissed, but keep my insults in my head. Whatever, okay? It's not like I'm the only one it's happened to. Then she slaps me and gets a belt or whatever, "discipline" right? And okay, fine, once in a while great, teach me a fucking lesson. But that's all you know how to do, fucking shout and insult and beat and that's it. Then you do it some more when I say I hate you.

Great parenting you got there. And you wonder, 'What's wrong with you?'
Just so happens to be everything. I'd like to blame you because I'd like to blame someone, but God knows it's all me. Doesn't stop me from hating, though.

Because you know what mom, you can say, that even with my 3.8 GPA that I'm stupid, but please realize that I must have gotten that stupidity gene from someone, you or dad. Settle it amongsts yourselves please. And you know, I recently got an email concerning the final stages of my scholarship money, and it was sent to my dad & her. My dad couldn't view it on his Blackberry, but my mom was on her laptop and refused to open her email while frowning.

About that email though, apparently I didn't even get it, which means I am a failure. I was so certain about it, even. So I cut and cut again for yesterday, at Z's get together for her birthday. I ate too much. Less than most people, but too much.

I wanted to clean it up but got distracted, so my mom saw some blood and my scarred wrists. They're only scarred, I stopped cutting there a while ago, so I told her I must have fallen. But she said no, that they were too straight and only on my right hand, so it must be a razor. I said no, but apparently she'll ask anyone if they have a cut tomorrow morning, which I say she'll forget.

Blame Society

We all want to blame this epidemic on someone, something. This epidemic of eating disorders and depression, who's fault is it? And all fingers point to society. With the thin. but curvy females and just-right muscled men we constantly see on TV with those smiles always on their faces, even if they don't say it, they bring out the message, "You have to look like me to be happy."

So then we blame them. For a lot of things. Society killed the teenager, they say. And on the topic of eating disorders, there seems to be a popular gif on tumblr, that says, "Society, what have you done?" But please tell me, of the percentage of people that feels the need to be skinny, that sees those smiles plastered across faces, isn't it a relatively small but sadly growing percentage of people that have eating disorders?

Have you ever stepped out and tried to look at this from the Outside's point of view? I do, all the time, and I understand why there are such stigmas around eating disorders. Lately, whenever I throw away food I feel extremely guilty, because it's such a waste. They look at us and see us being obsessed with the numbers on the scale and the image in the mirror and look at all the dedication we have just to be skinny, they think, and even if they realize it's for control they look at us because we must look like some selfish, power hungry fools.

Can you imagine, if all this energy you put into this into this order, you put into something like Cancer research? Exactly.

But on a more personal stuff, I've been thinking about S a lot, and it bothers me. I don't like him, but I can't stop thinking about him, and like I said, I really want him to like me just to piss Z off. (By the way, she doesn't talk to me much about him anymore, mostly our friend F because I'm sure she thinks we're friends with benefits. It's good for her, let her think what she wants.)