Perfection Problems

I told myself I would write a post before April ends -- then the night of May 1st. But I guess the morning of the 6th works just as well. In a way, I'm kind of glad I stalled -- I like long, infrequent posts, and if I had posted then then I would have waited some time before posting what happened recently.

One, I hate my teachers. All of them think I'm "following" Z, which is silly, because, I'm the brain behind everything she does -- she copies everything I do, even when she wasn't talking to me I had that power over her. And they say, too, that she's manipulating the class, which is extremely stupid, because she's not smart enough for that and once again, does nothing on her own.

Z also thought that S was going to ask her out again, (he laughed so hard at this), and then lied to a classmate saying that she was staying after school because he said that he wanted to tell her something (also, laughed at this).

I've had lots of dreams, too. There was one in the car where I was half asleep and I checked my phone and saw a message from S saying how he loved to talk to me, then another with S and I in a field about to kiss and my brother popped up from nowhere. There were lots others, too. .

Funny thing about S, is that he triggered me once, I think, recently. I say I think because I never really understood what triggering actually is. But, a few days ago he called me a "standard babe" to which I felt like cutting my hips and wrists and ankles because all I could think was, no, I'm not one at all, I'm horrible and disgusting!

I don't even know what I want to look like anymore, because all I want to be is perfect, but there are people  bigger than me that I think are perfect, then people much smaller than me that I still think are perfect, and all I want to be is perfect, and I'm not even sure that if I ever get skinny I will attain that.

I know it's not real, but there has to be some kind of perfection in my mind.

Another example of perfection is when I made out with S in my dad's car, early morning on May 4th. He came around 2AM and left at about 4AM. We talked for an hour, and made out / cuddled for another. I was practically vibrating when he left.

I'm sure he got caught though, and both the session in the car and what could happen has been on my mind since. Practically the only thing on my mind.

Funny enough, today (yesterday) at Teen Church I was getting screened for a work group, and I was asked if I had troubles in fornication, and oral sex, which is really a yes but I said no. I had to. I have kept up the perfect girl reputation at my church, and I knew the workers would look at me differently.

In fact, I didn't even know I lied till a few moments after I did.