See Ya Later

Here's to the crying late at night,

To the foolish parents,

To smelling glue,

To the continuous cuts.

Here's to happiness that I'm afraid of,

Here's to help I don't deserve,

Here's to non-existent friends,

Here's to me not fighting,

Because I do nothing but beat the air.

I'll be back within 30 days, preferably less, I want to get away from my family because they are the weights holding me back. My grant is on its way, and I'm hopping off this fat train once it arrives.

“It is of no use,” says the Preacher, “It is all for nothing!” 
 Ecclesiastes 12:8

Going 'Home'.

I'm going to a boarding school America from 9th to 12th grade. It's official.

You know what that means?

Restriction.

I started a devotion on cutting.

Day One. [12.22.2012]

"People have been cutting themselves for various reasons for a long time. We even have record of it in the Old Testament. Often times, the pain caused by the cutting is used to mask some other, often greater pain they are experiencing. Cutting is the fruit of a problem stemming from a deeper issue in the root. Today, begin to open yourself up to God, that he would bring you relief from all of the pain in your life - physical and emotional."

It's so hard to remember though. It really is.

Mental Breakdown

I can't deal. So many things have happened in such a small period of time and most happens in my head.

I've had so many weird dreams latlely. A couple nights ago I dreamt that some eighth grade boys sexually harrased me, and I can't remember what I dreamt of actually, but it was so freaky. They weren't nightmares though. I'd rather have nightmares than dreams like these.

The other day, my 'friend' Skylar (I don't really like her to be honest) posted a picture and then her boyfriend, who is ugly and annoying and comments on every damn post, ones that she posts on others wall, or things having nothing to do with him.

I'm just saying it annoys me. And then Leo, a boy I went to school with in 6th grade, totally agreed with me. Ricardo (the boyfriend) was really stupid about it, and said he wasn't asking for help in his relationship. Hell? I wasn't giving help. I was just saying that it annoys me. He said 'nobody asked.' I mean, the hell? Fourth grade much?

Anyways, in short everyone was being basic and I deleted Skylar, and blocked Ricardo. While I was at it, I deleted everyone I talked to in person, because I hate everyone. I kept people I don't talk to, ironic much? I don't like them, but I don't pretend to anyways. If that makes sense.

Also, yesterday I looked in the mirror and screamed. I mean, flat-out screamed. Mind you, I was never under an illusion that I was pretty. But what I say was an empty mummy, and I'm not joking. I looked dead and evil.

I am dead and evil.

After then, I ran to get my blade but it was too blunt. I turned to matchsticks but I felt nothing. I hit myself and I could hear the impact of my blows but I couldn't feel. I sat down and started crying, and walked around the house with puffy eyes.

Did anyone care?

No.

Emily Anonymous, believe me they don't. I've tried flaunting it in their faces but they simply disregard what I say.

Green Paper

I want to start saving up for spending in the USA. How to do that though? I have roughly 70 dollars because of the surveys I take, but that's about it. I've heard you can make a lot from blogs, twitter, etc. though.

But you need to have followers. Traffic, whatever. And they need to click ads. Ads are ugly. Gosh, but still. First things first, no one is listening.

No one is reading this.

This place is my City of Refuge, I started unintentionally killing myself, and I do not care anymore. I have come to flee, set aside a special place where my innermost thoughts can be expressed. I wish someone could hear me though. No one can hear my cries in real life, no one can hear it here, what will happen when I finally jump off a cliff?

I don't know. 

My Lost Control

Gosh, ever since my parents partially found out about this, they have been hounding me with food. And when people hound me with food, even when they're not there, I will eat! Gosh, this whole cycle is annoying and I need to break it.

I miss fasting terribly. I've lost all control! I've gained all the inches I've lost, what if I hadn't measured correctly in the first place? God. I can't even. I need a scale, so badly. In my spare time I drool over scales on the internet. And diet foods, does anybody else do this?

I feel like if I'm not in control of what I eat, I'm not in control of anything. I need to be in control. I need to feel strong once again.

Someone tell me I'm not alone.

Remember Kony?

Last night I turned on the news, and all this commotion was on about these grade school kids had been killed. Then I go on to facebook and twitter, and then I see trends such as #PrayForCT, #PrayForNewton, with people in bloody England participating as if it was their country, and then on facebook people are fucking writing paragraphs, none of them being from Connecticut or knowing anyone from there.

Yes, I know I'm rambling, but point is, how long is this going to fucking last. 

Why is that when shit like this happens in America, everyone makes a big deal out of it, but in any other fucking country, America is there eating their cheeseburgers and shit? Why is that everyone feels the fucking need to participate in stuff like this, just to feed their own ego, and then let it go?

Do you fucking remember Kony, when everyone was an activist for a week.

Or Amanda Todd, where everyone was anti-bullying protestant for a week.

Or fucking Aurora, surely the people that lost dear ones are happy now? Or have we done our part by giving them trends for a day? I don't even know. The World is full of bullshit.

When  saw it, I laughed. I won't lie. I laughed. God was calling the little kids, and yes those who were close to them will be affected, but let's not lie -- those people that tweeted that shit, when was the last time they went to Church? 

Yes, I'm messed up. I laughed at death. 

Kiss & Don't Tell.

I don't know why but I just thought of what happened on Tuesday. It was the last day of school. I was like the second person in my grade that was there -- there are only 5 people in the whole of my school's freshman year, mind you. So it was me, Funmi (foo-me) and Joseph right? And I'm pretty sure Funmi and Joseph like each other but are trying not to.

Anyways, so they were I'm going to say flirting throughout the day -- well, it wasn't really flirting. You know those extremely cheesy romantic comedy where the two leads hate each other and are always play-fighting and in the end, end up falling in love with each other. That is the only way to explain it. That's exactly how they were acting.

This really annoying sophomore walks in (he always does that, he's that fucking annoying) our class and goes over to Joseph, right? And I don't know what he did but Joseph said, "Emmanuel I don't like that kind of play." And fucking jokingly, I said, "Gay play" without even knowing what he did. I mean, it was just the first thing that popped into my head and then out of the mouth.

Then out of the blue, Emmanuel throws his shoe at me and if fucking scuffs my white uniform shirt. Plus, it hurt. Just a little, but still. I was pissed. Like, fucking pissed. I pounced on him. Used my fat ass to drag him to the floor. Joseph went to call the junior, Seun (shay-oon) (but in reality he'd be considered a senior because my school stops at Year 11) because it was apparently that funny.

The moment Seun walks in, he drags me so that we're like spooning standing up and facing front? I don't even know how to explain it. And asks, "Babe what's going on?"

Pause.

There are two girls missing, right? They both like Seun and it's so obvious. One is Zimaye, and everyone thinks we're best friends but I really don't like her, and then Dami which I and everyone openly hates. Zimaye is dating Seun. She's so annoying about it. Like, if he talks to her she complains that he's too clingy. And if he doesn't she complains that he's a horrible boyfriend. Earlier in the relationship, she cheated, a lot. She might still cheat now. I don't know.

Play.

I'm laughing my head off in my mind, and I'm sure Funmi was too. I told him what happened, blah blah blah, and he told Emmanuel off. I still fought him (Emmanuel) though, and my panties were showing. Seun made sure to point it out and kept on looking, and I told him I didn't care.

So in the end, we chased Emmanuel out, and we played truth or dare right? I told Funmi to kiss Seun. They did. Joseph told Seun to squeeze my boob. He did. We asked if Joseph liked Funmi. He blushed. When it was my turn, everyone had left so it was just me and Seun. So I said, "Dare me."

And he didn't say a word, he just took be behind the bookshelf and started making out. I don't even like making out. I don't like him and I don't hate Zimaye. I think it's hilarious though, you guys don't even understand. I'm such a horrible 'friend'. I'm a horrible person. I'm not telling Zimaye. She'll freak and I don't have the strength to deal with that shite.. Gosh, I don't even care about anything.

I'm such a bitch and that doesn't bother me.

Have Faith

Have you ever had so much faith that something would happen? And it's not like you were, okay, this will happen, while doing absolutely nothing, you put every bloody effort you can put and it just doesn't fucking happen?

I'm having that nagging feeling in the back of my head saying that all this hard work, blood and sweat, will amount to nothing. Which is obviously not true. Must be the devil. I mean, I've spread myself thin preparing for this, there's no way it won't happen, because I have put all my hard work in it.

I'm going to America. I'm going to America. I'm studying in Sandy Spring Friends School. I'm studying in Sandy Spring Friends School. I'm graduating from Phillips Andover. I'm graduating from Phillips Andover. My pastor says when believing God for a miracle, to not stop confessing.

But when I say, I'm working so hard for this, you must understand that I really am. I keep telling everyone that I'm going to Sandy Spring and they laugh. Screw them.

"Is She Eating?"

Of course she's eating. Of course she eats in the middle of the night, when people are sleeping. Of course she cuts and tries to purge but almost never does, of course she's restricting in the day, of course she's still fat.

I hate it when my parents ask that question, because I am eating. Really, I am. Funniest thing is that to my peers I probably eat too much, because I'm one big fat size 10. Maybe even 12. But I don't eat in front of people, not anymore. I didn't even notice when it started.