I'm Overweight

I'm certain that my current weight is now higher than my unidentified highest weight. It's crazy. I've gained ten pounds since February, when I weighed at a hospital. I want to kill myself. Now I'm overweight. It's a much needed wake up call. I'm going to stop binging, purge more, and starve more.

In relation to the Boston Bombing, I'm not really shocked. I'm always wondering why it doesn't happen more often that it does. I'm not saying I want things like this to happen, I just look around and think, wow, so nobody here has the intention of killing? 

I take everyday we don't go without these as a blessing. You're never safe. My paranoia has taught me one thing, at least.

Also, I'm not impressed by the concern. There was concern for the Newtown & Colorado shooting, but that quickly did out, like the fad it was. It bothers me that people never 'care' for long, and then shout at me for not caring at all. In the end, we all end up in the same place.

I also deactivated my tumblr and came back under a new username. I follow S on there and he follows me, and I think what I say bothers him. He's even started writing sub text posts. Whatever. He also thinks I'm arrogant or something, and that I'm angry because we talked the whole of Easter break and suddenly he stopped. I'm not angry. It was to be expected and just because you're not talking doesn't mean anything. At all. Not to me.

 I got really pissed. I don't know why. I'm pissed at everyone. I start school Today, and I really want to talk to him so that I can get closer and try to mess with his mind. As for Z, she's talking to me more and I hate it. She should go hide in  a corner. It's probably because I'm not talking to S often and she's let go of me dating him thing. Nah, she shouldn't get too comfortable. Because I'm going to fuck with everyone this term. 

Another thing is that I've been really close to crying but haven't. I almost had a breakdown in class during our extra lessons last week. Seriously. I haven't cried since Feb. 21st. I really don't want to cry, although it will make me feel better a bit, it will also make me feel more pathetic.

I really want to run away. It's been on my mind 24/7, but I can't even get out of the estate alone. I want to go. I want to leave.

Fearful Ways.

Let me be the first to comment on my hatred of fear. It wraps you up in a blanket and never let's you go; fear is the reason I haven't posted on here in more than a month. Fear, or as the doctors call it, paranoia is what keeps me from becoming close friends with anybody, what keeps me from telling secrets and what causes my wall to be bullet proof and indestructible. Fear.

God, I'm scared of so many things it scares me. My paranoia rules my life and I never really noticed until a few weeks ago, when I finally faced the fact that I did not hate relationships, nor do I really hate people, but I'm scared of them. After this I finally confessed to myself how much more I was fearful of.

 One thing was how scared I am of someone, everyone, finding this blog and all my anon accounts, it scares me so much every time I want to make a post on here or tumblr or twitter, it scares me enough to just want to deactivate everything and hide out in a ball and let my thoughts consume me. Without all these outlets, I'd literally be dead.